hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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