ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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