My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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