There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
