he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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