I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
ttyl tear gas
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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