is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize