Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
