How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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