dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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