You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize