Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
