The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
