Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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