ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
