On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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