walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize