Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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