def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize