He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
