just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We left the knife in your bed.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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