I'm sorry my penis didn't work
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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