I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
