I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm too high and old for this...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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