you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
