So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
