I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
