Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
