if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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