flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
