The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
