i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
