so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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