Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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