You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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