I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
