went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
