He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
