Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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