You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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