you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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