The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
