WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
