9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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