Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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