Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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