Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
