ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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