it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
