I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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