Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
