Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
