I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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