He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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