it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
