I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
sex in a hospital.. check
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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