I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
