You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
