so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
