I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
