8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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