Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
sarcasm needs its own font
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
