if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
