Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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