i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
