FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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