'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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