your parents love me but you hate me
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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