does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
