eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
