guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
