Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
